All this is, is fear.
Is fear all I am?
Just put on a dress to wear to work that used to be like a tent on me. Now it’s tight.
I feel so disgusting, the last thing I want to do is go to work. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.
My goodness me.
I have an interestingly confusing problem. (Um.. TW maybe?)
I am a people person. I’m great at conversation. I know how to manipulate people, I know how to make people feel good, I know how to sell ideas (or products!), I know how to mediate, I’m a startlingly good liar, I’m rarely intimidated or left speechless and most of all, I’m confident in my abilities to do all the above.
But when it comes to communicating what I need and/or when I need help, I turn into a god damn bumbling fool. I guess the best way to show just how terrible I am at it is that instead of asking for help, I overdose. Don’t call anyone, don’t talk to anyone, don’t give myself a chance… I stay silent, and the only way I seem to be able to say “Help! I’m not OK!” is by playing russian roulette with my life or by writing it……….. In my skin. …O_O
I’m guessing it’s because when I was a kid, I’d ask for help and not get what I required. So nowadays, I don’t even let myself try. It feels like I’m going against my instincts when I speak up for myself or try to help myself.
It’s driving me crazy. Even attempting to write how I feel is a massive challenge. I’m making so much headway in my life, but this is such a crucial skill that I so desperately lack I don’t even know where to begin.
- Gymnastics last night has left me feeling like a child used my back as a bouncy castle and my thighs feel like I did about 1000 squats
BUT it was awesome fun and I didn’t feel too bad about the fact that my handsprings weren’t terribly sexy because my splits were pretty damn awesome
- Yesterday I emailed a recording studio to book in to record several of my songs . Woop woop.
- My unit is currently being renovated and made beautiful and I AM GETTING A BATH OH HELL YES. I’ve already bought about 20 bath bombs from Lush to treat myself to. Yeah. It’s going to be pretty awesome.
The only thing that’s not too great at the moment is the face that I haven’t seen my dr and I really want to talk to him about my medication…..
But yeah. What I meant to say is, things are looking up for me :)
fragile-mental-state said: Where are you going to be doing gymnastics?
At the West Australian Institute of Sport. It’s really nostalgic for me because I was a serious gymnast as a kid and used to train and do competitions there.
Guess who is FINALLY returning to gymnastics tonight after 4 shudder-inducingly food filled months of recovery!?
Anonymous said: oh awesome thanks so much! will definitely be getting it then :) just stared with lush products and i can't seem to get enough
Ah, I know the feeling. I started with the bath bombs and hair stuff and when I started working there… Well, I’ve basically tried literally everything.
It’s such good stuff to practice self care with. It’s really helped me.
Anonymous said: sorry random question about lush stuff, but how does the angels on bare skin cleanser come? like is it in a bottle or whatever? im looking at the online store and it looks amazing
It is amazing! It comes in a little pot and its sold based on weight. 100grams is 16.95 but I usually fill my pots to bursting and get about $22 worth :)
It smells divine too which is always good.BTW asks about Lush are ALWAYS welcome! I could talk about it all day
Feeling depressed :
i-am-changing-for-the-better said: What's your ultimate dress look like? Do you chew gum? Would you rather go to the uk or USA? Does your phone have a colour/case - what does it look like? Fave shoes (pic if possible!)? Favourite childhood holiday? Christmas or birthday? 💚
Ooooh. My ultimate dress… well I love way too many to pick. I love baby doll dresses with flowery prints, and a-line dresses with graphic or geometric patterns. I’ve already been to the USA several times, so I’d rather go to the UK hands down! My phone has a boring pink case… I had a super pretty one, but it wasn’t enough protection and I smashed the screen so…. yeah….
Anonymous said: What is your hospital history? like where have you been and where and if you found it helpful :)
Up until last September, I’d never been to hospital for anything! Since then I’ve been pretty much consistently in and out. I should have sought intervention several years ago, I’m confident that if I had, I wouldn’t be in such a difficult situation right now. Anyway.
First I spent a month in the public psychiatric ward at St Charles Gairdener hospital, which didn’t actually help me at all but it did keep me safe during a time that if I had been left to my own devices, I probably would have killed myself. Then I went on to Hollywood to do the eating disorder program which I didn’t find helpful at all. I was massively triggered by all the self harm there, and horrified by the amount we were expected to eat. Looking back, I now know that part of the reason I found it so unhelpful was because of my own failing to communicate, but still… the psychiatrist I had at the time didn’t get me at all and made me feel like I wasn’t very good at having an eating disorder.
So yeah, I left there after a month massively triggered and that’s when things got REALLY crazy.
I accidentally OD’d in mid december, and for the next two months I acted like a complete nutcase - restricting worse than ever, and going in and out of the ED due to literally countless overdoses. I’m not proud. But it really wasn’t my fault. I was misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder and they wouldn’t keep me in the psych ward because of my alleged BPD, so I just went in and out.
Finally, I got a new psychiatrist who heard I was going to be sent to Graylands and admitted me at Perth Clinic. I was treated for Anorexia and this time, I actually made heaps of progress. I left for five weeks and really struggled, and then came back in after another god damn overdose. That was about six weeks ago, and now I’m just coming to the end of my admission,
FINALLY after months of hospital, some helpful, some awful, I’m getting better. Perth Clinic gets a huge thumbs up for me, Hollywood - I just don’t like the way they do things on the ED program, and Charlies… well, they discharged me several times when I was telling them that I’d kill myself so they get a big “WTF!? THUMBS DOWN” from me.